Moving on…

Maybe I was wrong. Moving on is probably the only solution to this loss. It may take time.. But I am getting over it. I am learning. I am moving on. I wanted to be there for her at any time of the day.. But I didn’t know it would end this way. We made promises, prayed together, she taught me to walk… to talk… to be who I am. If it wasnt for her, I wouldnt be who I am today. 

 

I thought I would never forget those two days. The day the horrible news arrived, and the day you punished me to live without you. I didn’t know how to react.. I was hurt, I was upset, I was lost. I couldn’t believe it or rather didn’t want to.

I still shed a tear every once in a while… because, in my heart, you will always remain. The one who loved me unconditionally, the one who accepted me for who I am, the one who taught me to behave and the one who taught me to be me. I will never forget you. Not even if I want to. 

The smiling face.. the laughing eyes… the most beautiful smile and the most comforting voice. I love you. And always will. I love you mom. 

Happy 40th Birthday.

Happy birthday, Mom.

Today is her birthday. Her 40th birthday which she isn’t there to celebrate. We will sit in silence; no party, no mischief, no alarms going off at 12 a.m., nothing.

I miss her. I miss the way she told me I was her little baby, I miss the way she hugged me and kissed my forehead before I slept, I miss the way she woke me up early in the morning, I miss everything about her, absolutely everything. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh or just be happy or silent, I am lost.

I want her to be with me at this very moment, because I need her. I need her beside me to teach that life ain’t going to be easy. I need her  here to teach me all that I would need to know. I need her to be my support, I am incomplete without her. I don’t want to be lost in life, and so I need you, mum.

The words still ring in my ears… Don’t ever be afraid, my baby, I will always guide you from here, from above. I will support you with each step you take, I will correct you, help you… But I never be afraid because mumma loves you, darling, and I always will.

I sat there, wiping her tears, caressing her face, trying to be strong, trying to prepare myself mentally for what was going to happen in a few days… I held her hand, afraid it might hurt her. My heart pained. It still does.

I’d do anything for her to come back. It’s her 40th birthday today. I wish she was alive for us to celebrate it. I miss you, mum and I love you. I just hope you are happy wherever you are. I love you. Happy 40th Birthday.

Please come back. :'(

Why won’t you …

Why won’t you come back?

I write endless letters to you, but don’t find the address to post it. I don’t know where you are, but I want you next to me. To hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay. That everything’s going to be fine. But now, I don’t have anyone to hug when I am down. My life is in pieces… absolute no hope of bring it all back together.

I tend to push people away. I pushed you away from my life when I was suppose to tell you everything. I am sorry! Please don’t punish me for that. I can’t live like this…it’s like being stuck in your a prison despite of being free. Why can’t everything just return back to normal???!

Why does life push you so hard that you can’t bear the last punch…and all you can do is look at the sky and try to gather the courage to get back to your feet!? Why do you feel so aloof? Why does life not play a fair game? Why is there injustice?

All those tears that I thought wouldn’t fall, are now in my eyes, ready to spill any moment and destroy all that courage I have been able to gather. Despite of all those tablets, despite of all those sessions with the counselor, despite of putting on that fake smile and pretending everything is okay, nothing seems to have worked. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s just pushed me even more, not to get up and move on, but to just be there.

That day, when you were termed as “Dead body” was the first day of this feeling. The moment came, when everything spun, no noise around, no one spoke, no one had thought about it, no one wanted to believe it, I din’t want to believe it. Suddently, I felt myself sink, a pain in my heart, that pain when you get when you realize that the one you loved, your support, your best friend, your mother is gone somewhere from where she’d never come back.

That memory haunts my nights and my days. I am now afraid to be a care-free teenager that I am expected to be. I am scared all that would just go away… Just like it did before… just before I was about to enter my care free life. I am scared of darkness, now that you have gone, who’s hand am I going to hold? I don’t feel like being myself, who cares anymore? I don’t want to look around…I feel lost. As if no one cares anymore who I am.

No one can love me the way you did. I love you more than I did before, so what if I can’t see your face? I promise you, no one can replace you.

I tried to live without you…but tears fall no matter how hard I try to control them. All those memories of the times we spent together… all those shopping spears…all those movies we went to see. The bed side remains empty as if trying to call you. Your pillow and blanket await it’s owner. The cloths still hang there, neatly ironed, just the way you like it. The watch ticking by…the wind blowing the curtains…the water dripping…the tidy table…everything’s just the way you like it. Why won’t you come back? Why do you have to punish everyone?

I ain’t going to give up.. not this time.

I am not giving up just yet… I know I can’t. It’s would be just wrong to. I promise, I will move on someday. And I am trying. Though yet failing, the memories cloud my mind of the days when you were here, right here besides me, to hug me and listen to me. 

I never told you that I loved you, but today, I regret it. I just hope you know how much I miss you and loved you and still do. When after school I stand and watch mothers take their lot home, somewhere in my heart I cry for you to come to me and guide me home… even though I know I cannot have it that way. God won’t let me have it that way! 

I feel like running away to an awfully quiet place to cry. Just cry and cry until I feel good. There’s so much inside… so much untold, so many things that I needed you to know, so many things I still need you to know that I figure out the way to speak all of that. I need to hug you and tell you that I love you. Just so that I know that you know that I love you. 

I promised you to be taking care of everyone, but who is going to take care of me and for how long? Till when are those memories going to be suppressed inside? Will all those memories fade away? Is that pain ever going to fade away??! 

This is a piece of work that I have written for you to tell you that I am not going to give up… but am going to move on… 

Across a scarlet sunset I will be watching

Flowers turn in vain to face the falling sun

But drinking in the moonlight of defeat

In the darkness their failures will dawn

And the worst emerge from hiding

We have all become chasers

Of things we know must end

It never stops us

We can’t help but

Defy fate

 

On a lone old wooden bench I will be waiting

The last stronghold of nature in the city

Now towers grow like trees in the summer

Standing as shepherds of our downfall

The stars burn themselves out slower

When nothing can be salvaged

Hope is all we have left

It’s never enough

But we still try

Even now

 

Each tired Sunday morning I will be wasting

Some little amount of the time we have left

Praying to some god to make it all right

When church is as silent as mourning

We have been abandoned in turn

Lost as a chick returning

The nest isn’t empty

It was never there

We build alone

All the same

 

From the heart of disaster I will be wanting

For somehow everything to come to an end

And spare us the agony of waiting

The race itself is against madness

You don’t win prizes for trying

Only perception changes

The game’s rigged then it’s done

Even knowing this

Nothing differs

We still fight

 

In a place all to myself I will be wishing

That I saw the reason for futility

Others think to hold back death with laughter

If clowns were angels we would be saved

But I deny the sun it’s light

For what I see in the day

But who would dim the stars?

And even in this

Ironically

I too strive

 

On the curb outside your house I will be weeping

Through a broken heart all things seem a drama

And if the world won’t end it feels that way

Doomed from the start, but I still want you

Out of sight is not out of mind

For the night kisses the day

And still the faithful pray

They were all right, though

I won’t give up

Not this time..

 

 

On a lone old wooden bench I will be waiting

The last stronghold of nature in the city

Now towers grow like trees in the summer

Standing as shepherds of our downfall

The stars burn themselves out slower

When nothing can be salvaged

Hope is all we have left

It’s never enough

But we still try

Even now

 

Each tired Sunday morning I will be wasting

Some little amount of the time we have left

Praying to some god to make it all right

When church is as silent as mourning

We have been abandoned in turn

Lost as a chick returning

The nest isn’t empty

It was never there

We build alone

All the same

 

From the heart of disaster I will be wanting

For somehow everything to come to an end

And spare us the agony of waiting

The race itself is against madness

You don’t win prizes for trying

Only perception changes

The game’s rigged then it’s done

Even knowing this

Nothing differs

We still fight

 

In a place all to myself I will be wishing

That I saw the reason for futility

Others think to hold back death with laughter

If clowns were angels we would be saved

But I deny the sun it’s light

For what I see in the day

But who would dim the stars?

And even in this

Ironically

I too strive

 

On the curb outside your house I will be weeping

Through a broken heart all things seem a drama

And if the world won’t end it feels that way

Doomed from the start, but I still want you

Out of sight is not out of mind

For the night kisses the day

And still the faithful pray

They were all right, though

I won’t give up

Not this time..

 

 

 

 

I promise. 

Come back…Please?

Why won’t you come back?

I write endless letters to you, but don’t find the address to post it. I don’t know where you are, but I want you next to me. To hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay. That everything’s going to be fine. But now, I don’t have anyone to hug when I am down. My life is in pieces… absolute no hope of bring it all back together.

I tend to push people away. I pushed you away from my life when I was suppose to tell you everything. I am sorry! Please don’t punish me for that. I can’t live like this…it’s like being stuck in your a prison despite of being free. Why can’t everything just return back to normal???!

Why does life push you so hard that you can’t bear the last punch…and all you can do is look at the sky and try to gather the courage to get back to your feet!? Why do you feel so aloof? Why does life not play a fair game? Why is there injustice?

All those tears that I thought wouldn’t fall, are now in my eyes, ready to spill any moment and destroy all that courage I have been able to gather. Despite of all those tablets, despite of all those sessions with the counselor, despite of putting on that fake smile and pretending everything is okay, nothing seems to have worked. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s just pushed me even more, not to get up and move on, but to just be there.

That day, when you were termed as “Dead body” was the first day of this feeling. The moment came, when everything spun, no noise around, no one spoke, no one had thought about it, no one wanted to believe it, I din’t want to believe it. Suddently, I felt myself sink, a pain in my heart, that pain when you get when you realize that the one you loved, your support, your best friend, your mother is gone somewhere from where she’d never come back.

That memory haunts my nights and my days. I am now afraid to be a care-free teenager that I am expected to be. I am scared all that would just go away… Just like it did before… just before I was about to enter my care free life. I am scared of darkness, now that you have gone, who’s hand am I going to hold? I don’t feel like being myself, who cares anymore? I don’t want to look around…I feel lost. As if no one cares anymore who I am.

No one can love me the way you did. I love you more than I did before, so what if I can’t see your face? I promise you, no one can replace you.

I tried to live without you…but tears fall. All those memories of the times we spent together… all those shopping spears…all those movies we went to see. The bed side remains empty as if trying to call you. Your pillow and blanket await it’s owner. The cloths still hang there, neatly ironed, just the way you like it. The watch ticking by…the wind blowing the curtains…the water dripping…the tidy table…everything’s just the way you like it. Why won’t you come back? Why? 

I miss you more than anything…more than these words can say. I cry myself to bed. I wake up, yet waiting for you to come, even though I know you won’t…you can’t. I still go to the same church back there and sit in the same place where we use to… Fifth row…third seat… the only difference is, now I pray that you come back, instead of praying for you to stay. 

It’s like as if the world has stopped spinning…everything has come to a halt. Nothing will move…no matter how hard I try to. I just pray..where ever you are, that you read this and maybe realize how much you meant to me. I love you mom. I might have never said that. But I do. I promise you that I do love you. Won’t you believe me? I can’t stop crying, I have to pretend that I am strong. But I am killing myself inside.

I know the truth, but I can’t accept it.. my heart won’t accept it.  It’s not okay! I want to scream… but there’s no voice… I want to cry… but there are no more tears that will come out. I want to die, but who will take care of Dad and Brother? How can I leave them? 

Please mom… Just please… Please come back to us. Brother won’t show it, but he cries. Dad won’t cry but dies every day inside… You have known our every story, every fall, every mistake, all our secrets. Come back…Please?  

Sleep the pain away…

Looking at her sleeping in the cradle of Lord’s arms, I felt peaceful. I felt peaceful for not looking at those sad eyes, for that painful morns, for those beautiful eyes which were to carry nothing else but love and kindness, for those hands which had helped me grow, caught my when I fell, who supported me when the world walked out on me, which were the only support when I couldn’t walk. I want to cry till my eyes cannot shed anymore tears, but that day just doesn’t come. I want to go to her and hug her and cry and cry.. I need to see those eyes and feel those strong arms around me… I just need her so much.. 

 

Sweet smile on your face as you sleep the pain away,
Resting in God’s arms now, although in the ground your body lay.
He needed another angel in the Heavenly choir and that’s why you had to go.
As you promised, you are still with us watching your children here below.

I never would have imagined the end would be like this, me comforting you.
Holding your hand, telling you not to worry was not an easy thing for me to do.
And even in your weakest hour you tried to comfort me too,
Caressing my face, and calming my soul as only a mother can soothe.

You have always been there through the thick and the thin
No matter what I’ve done, unconditionally you love never wavering.
When I told you of the mistakes I made and all the times people saw me fall
You simply nodded and gently replied ‘so have we all’.
The key to success is learning from the past
Ensuring a brighter future is now the present task.

A pillar of strength even until the end
Fighting all life’s battles, knowing it’s triumphantly you would win
Pushing me to be the best that you know I can be
Reminding me to keep the faith and allow God to lead me.
Knowing it’s through Christ that I can do all things
And as He never makes a mistake I will come through victoriously.

I miss you more than these words could ever say
The pain in my heart is from one unimaginable day
After I cried all that I could; my eyes still shed countless more tears
And when I try to sleep, I have nightmares of ten-thousand fears
I walk in footsteps on an unsure path
My load feels so heavy I am not sure I will last.

Silly, though it may be I am afraid of life now that you’re gone
But I promise it’s because I’ve always had a person like you…
And, what about my brother?
I wish you could have stayed just a little while longer, there’s so much left to do
I wonder if I prayed hard enough and if so, did they get through?
Finding relief in knowing I will see you again someday soon
Remembering all you taught me as my soul, I continue to groom
I will walk in footsteps you have walked before me
Seeing the path you walked, guided you, straight into victory.

So as you sleep, in the cradle of the Lord,
I am reassured of God’s promises in His Holy Word.
I dream of the day when Heaven’s gates open to receive me
And with your smiling face and loving eyes, reunited once again I will be.

 I am waiting for the day I can see you again, Mom. I want to be with you and never leave you alone.. I need you to know how much I love you and how much I care… something words even cannot do.. I need to come to you mom, I need to hug you, I need to be with you… For you have been my strength and weakness through my life and would continue to be… For that I love you.. I love you more than anyhing can express. I will never let anything destroy that, not that anything can… Today and yesterday, every minute and every second I think of you… I NEED YOU, MOM! I love you so much.. Why can’t you just come back to me? Come back to this heavenly place with me to enjoy and have a good life? Come back for all those memories to be re-captured? I beg you god, please let her come to me! I miss her so very much… I don’t understand what to do… 

I break down in middle of my presentation, I cry myself to bed, I don’t know what to do.. I need her to be with me… Though I am growing stronger, I need her. I need her to support me just like she use to.. I want her to kiss my forehead before I fall asleep, I need her to shout at me for not putting my things in place… I need her more than anything I could ever want… 

The feelings…

The feelings are strange, the feeling of losing someone you dearly love, the feeling of pain, the feeling to being betrayed, the feeling of being left out, the heartache. It hurts like nothing else. It’s not the pain that you feel when you get a scratch or hurt your head, its the pain that you feel when your loved one has left you… forever.

Today, I face my life myself and so did I yesterday, what about tomorrow? What if the world turns its back on me? Yesterday I faced it, today is gone, what about tomorrow? What if I am not able to face it? What if I cannot? What will I have then? Who will stand by my side? Who will comfort the broken heart? Who will be there by the person who has been through all this? Who, after knowing all this, want to comfort the aching heart? WHO?

Trying to let go of things, also brings in pain. The pain, which, for me, will never go; or that is what my thinking is. Once you have lost someone, the pain, the feelings and the memories just don’t go, no matter how hard you try. The time you saw them burn into ashes, the moment the monitor stopped beeping, the moment their head fell lifelessly, that moment when you wanted nothing but them to come and hug you hard, the moment you wanted to cry your eyes out and scream out, but were unable to. All this will haunt you. All this will keep coming back to you. The death day will be replayed in your dreams, you tend to reach for them, and just fall back.

Loosing someone you love is the worst pain in one’s life. The other day, I saw a small child learning to walk, holding her parents hand. I missed my mom. I wished she was there. I wondered if she would have done the same with me. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, but never got the courage to. I regret that day, I regret every single thing I din’t do, even when the chance was given. Wanting to go back but willing to move on are two hard things. If you try to move on, the past won’t let you and if you keep living in the past, you will never move ahead.

Everywhere I see mothers with her little ones, some holding hands, some just walking besides each other, some laughing and some talking. At times, this question comes into my mind, no matter how much I try not to, If, if she was here today, what would my life be like? Would still there be so many complications? Would there be so many problems? Would there be so many feelings suppressed? Would there be anyone to discuss problems with? Would there be anyone to tell about my first crush? Would there be any one to comfort me the same way she did? Would life be better?

So many times, my friends speak about their mothers and fathers. At times, they do mention how much they wish  they had a better life than they have; the life in which they have parents who love them, wish the best for them, give them whatever they want, and they still want a better life than they have. Why don’t they think that they should be thankful for what they have. For mothers and fathers who support them! For all the pain they take for them! From 5 in the morning to 12 at night they stay awake just to make sure their children are all right. For all the time they devote to them. For all the hard work they are doing just to make sure that their child receives the best education. For all those minutes and hours they have spent besides you to make sure you were alright. Why don’t they see that!? Why??! It hurts me that my friends do not realize what they have got and I haven’t. I would do anything to get her back, and on the other hand, my friends, they wish for the opposite. Why, don’t they understand that what parents, specially mothers, no one on this planet can! No one, besides her can.

I take this opportunity to tell all my readers, to thank your parents for whatever they do for you. Even if it means getting a book from the shelf or giving birth to you. Take the chance and say thank you. I did not get a chance, but you have. Don’t waste it. Take every moment of your time to thank them and tell them that you love them for whatever they do. Whether they be angry or sad.

 

Please feel free to leave comments or mail me at: manasvi_05@yahoo.in