A little more about my past.

Today, I would like to add a little more about my past life. My past life is tragic-filled though fun-filled.

I remember all those times when mom and I went out shopping for something and ended up bringing so much back! The shopping sprees and all the walk keep coming back to me… and making me cry, but there is nothing that i can do. Nothing that can be done. I must have written a thousand letters and e-mails to her, but what would be the use? She is not going to check them nor is she going to reply. I still write, I still try, I still keep waiting for just a reply, I want to know she is there when I need her the most. I don’t know what has happened, but a part of me is missing. There are no words that can comfort this pain, but can only make sure that there is someone to share the grief with.

All the pain and tears, now I know what I am without her. I miss her greatly and continuously pray to God, for just a miracle. No one can take the place, nor in my fathers heart nor in my brothers and not even in mine. Maybe that is what God wanted. Maybe she was not strong enough to fight anymore. Maybe her golden heart was broken, maybe she coudn’t keep up anymore, just maybe she wanted to go.

I ain’t going to stay sad for the fact that she has gone, but I am glad she was my mother. I am glad I had all the opportunities to spend the most of the time I could. I just wish I loved her enough and told her everything I should have. I just hope I have been a good daughter.

Now, she is gone. That day is one of those days which I can never forget.

November’ 12′ 2011.

She lay in the bed, with her face pale looking up at the fan. I hold onto her hand and tears ran down my face. She looked at me and said in a soft voice, ” I love you more than anything my baby. Promise me you will take care of everyone.” As she spoke the last words, I knew I would never hear them again. Tears ran down uncontrollably and the pain increased, I could take it no longer. I screamed out. I screamed out as loud as I could. I wanted promise her every one’s health. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, and would forever. I sat on my knees, still holding her hand in mine, still crying the painful tears, still not able to believe she was gone. I knew she was no more, but I couldn’t believe it more or less, I din’t want to.

The woman who had taught me walk, talk and speak was gone. The one who love me through whatever I did, through the day and night, through the bad times and good was gone. The one who taught me to cross the road and to choose the correct path and what to do and what now. The one who took care of me for 9 months in her stomach, and another 14 after that, was gone.       I din’t know how to react to it. All I wanted to do was sit and cry and cry. Just holding her and promising myself that she was only asleep for a while. I wanted to do everything I could for her, but God took away the opportunity.

I sat there until they came in to pick her up. They named her as a “Dead body”. She’s no dead body is what I wanted to scream, but couldn’t find the voice to. All that was so hard to sallow in. Everyone was crying, I hugged my Dad and Brother as tightly as possible and we grieved together, for the loss of such a beautiful person, of such an understanding mother and such a perfect wife. There was nothing in the world that could comfort us. Nothing by her herself.

The hardest part came at the ceremation ground. People stood in white and she lay there with her eyes shut. I was still crying but now, the only difference was that I was crying inside, no tears would come out. My knees felt wobbly as I stood there besides my father and brother, with my dads arm around me. I wanted to run away from there. I wanted to go away, away to someplace where there was no one to ask me questions and show pity.

The moment came when she had to go. I was asked to set fire to the woods that she was lying on. I hadn’t in all my lfie dreamed of such a day where I would be the one setting fire to my own Mothers body. I could not believe it. I wanted to go away or rather run away from the truth, from the pain that no one would understand.

I looked into my fathers eyes and saw that love he had for her. He nodded his head as the Person asked me to do the rituals. It felt like the world was ending. Everything spun and I felt absolutely nothing. NOTHING except the pain which was unbearable. I did as guided and when the moment came… I felt numb.

When I finally stood back, I felt a part of me burning away. I wanted to run away. Away from all that pain and uncomfortable looks and with the amount of pity which they looked at us.  I hung my head down, not with shame, but with respect to the person who was now going up in  to rest in peace, leaving her loved one’s behind.

I never felt this way before, the way she loved me, the way she supported me and made me feel like a young girl who was independent and is free to choose her own way, the one who can do anything she wants!

I love her and will forever. I still miss her every time someone speaks about their mothers and death. But I guess that is the way it is. I am now use to it. I manage to hold back tears and put up a broad smile and move on. This is not something all can do, it is one’s own choice. If you want to move on, you can, but once you decide that you do not want to, you never will. You make a choice, make a decision and abide by it.

Well, it is making me cry now. But anyways, that’s really it for now. Please let me know what your think are through either comments or feel free to mail me at: manasvi_05@yahoo.in

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