Why won’t you come back?
I write endless letters to you, but don’t find the address to post it. I don’t know where you are, but I want you next to me. To hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay. That everything’s going to be fine. But now, I don’t have anyone to hug when I am down. My life is in pieces… absolute no hope of bring it all back together.
I tend to push people away. I pushed you away from my life when I was suppose to tell you everything. I am sorry! Please don’t punish me for that. I can’t live like this…it’s like being stuck in your a prison despite of being free. Why can’t everything just return back to normal???!
Why does life push you so hard that you can’t bear the last punch…and all you can do is look at the sky and try to gather the courage to get back to your feet!? Why do you feel so aloof? Why does life not play a fair game? Why is there injustice?
All those tears that I thought wouldn’t fall, are now in my eyes, ready to spill any moment and destroy all that courage I have been able to gather. Despite of all those tablets, despite of all those sessions with the counselor, despite of putting on that fake smile and pretending everything is okay, nothing seems to have worked. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s just pushed me even more, not to get up and move on, but to just be there.
That day, when you were termed as “Dead body” was the first day of this feeling. The moment came, when everything spun, no noise around, no one spoke, no one had thought about it, no one wanted to believe it, I din’t want to believe it. Suddently, I felt myself sink, a pain in my heart, that pain when you get when you realize that the one you loved, your support, your best friend, your mother is gone somewhere from where she’d never come back.
That memory haunts my nights and my days. I am now afraid to be a care-free teenager that I am expected to be. I am scared all that would just go away… Just like it did before… just before I was about to enter my care free life. I am scared of darkness, now that you have gone, who’s hand am I going to hold? I don’t feel like being myself, who cares anymore? I don’t want to look around…I feel lost. As if no one cares anymore who I am.
No one can love me the way you did. I love you more than I did before, so what if I can’t see your face? I promise you, no one can replace you.
I tried to live without you…but tears fall. All those memories of the times we spent together… all those shopping spears…all those movies we went to see. The bed side remains empty as if trying to call you. Your pillow and blanket await it’s owner. The cloths still hang there, neatly ironed, just the way you like it. The watch ticking by…the wind blowing the curtains…the water dripping…the tidy table…everything’s just the way you like it. Why won’t you come back? Why?
I miss you more than anything…more than these words can say. I cry myself to bed. I wake up, yet waiting for you to come, even though I know you won’t…you can’t. I still go to the same church back there and sit in the same place where we use to… Fifth row…third seat… the only difference is, now I pray that you come back, instead of praying for you to stay.
It’s like as if the world has stopped spinning…everything has come to a halt. Nothing will move…no matter how hard I try to. I just pray..where ever you are, that you read this and maybe realize how much you meant to me. I love you mom. I might have never said that. But I do. I promise you that I do love you. Won’t you believe me? I can’t stop crying, I have to pretend that I am strong. But I am killing myself inside.
I know the truth, but I can’t accept it.. my heart won’t accept it. It’s not okay! I want to scream… but there’s no voice… I want to cry… but there are no more tears that will come out. I want to die, but who will take care of Dad and Brother? How can I leave them?
Please mom… Just please… Please come back to us. Brother won’t show it, but he cries. Dad won’t cry but dies every day inside… You have known our every story, every fall, every mistake, all our secrets. Come back…Please?