The feelings…

The feelings are strange, the feeling of losing someone you dearly love, the feeling of pain, the feeling to being betrayed, the feeling of being left out, the heartache. It hurts like nothing else. It’s not the pain that you feel when you get a scratch or hurt your head, its the pain that you feel when your loved one has left you… forever.

Today, I face my life myself and so did I yesterday, what about tomorrow? What if the world turns its back on me? Yesterday I faced it, today is gone, what about tomorrow? What if I am not able to face it? What if I cannot? What will I have then? Who will stand by my side? Who will comfort the broken heart? Who will be there by the person who has been through all this? Who, after knowing all this, want to comfort the aching heart? WHO?

Trying to let go of things, also brings in pain. The pain, which, for me, will never go; or that is what my thinking is. Once you have lost someone, the pain, the feelings and the memories just don’t go, no matter how hard you try. The time you saw them burn into ashes, the moment the monitor stopped beeping, the moment their head fell lifelessly, that moment when you wanted nothing but them to come and hug you hard, the moment you wanted to cry your eyes out and scream out, but were unable to. All this will haunt you. All this will keep coming back to you. The death day will be replayed in your dreams, you tend to reach for them, and just fall back.

Loosing someone you love is the worst pain in one’s life. The other day, I saw a small child learning to walk, holding her parents hand. I missed my mom. I wished she was there. I wondered if she would have done the same with me. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, but never got the courage to. I regret that day, I regret every single thing I din’t do, even when the chance was given. Wanting to go back but willing to move on are two hard things. If you try to move on, the past won’t let you and if you keep living in the past, you will never move ahead.

Everywhere I see mothers with her little ones, some holding hands, some just walking besides each other, some laughing and some talking. At times, this question comes into my mind, no matter how much I try not to, If, if she was here today, what would my life be like? Would still there be so many complications? Would there be so many problems? Would there be so many feelings suppressed? Would there be anyone to discuss problems with? Would there be anyone to tell about my first crush? Would there be any one to comfort me the same way she did? Would life be better?

So many times, my friends speak about their mothers and fathers. At times, they do mention how much they wish  they had a better life than they have; the life in which they have parents who love them, wish the best for them, give them whatever they want, and they still want a better life than they have. Why don’t they think that they should be thankful for what they have. For mothers and fathers who support them! For all the pain they take for them! From 5 in the morning to 12 at night they stay awake just to make sure their children are all right. For all the time they devote to them. For all the hard work they are doing just to make sure that their child receives the best education. For all those minutes and hours they have spent besides you to make sure you were alright. Why don’t they see that!? Why??! It hurts me that my friends do not realize what they have got and I haven’t. I would do anything to get her back, and on the other hand, my friends, they wish for the opposite. Why, don’t they understand that what parents, specially mothers, no one on this planet can! No one, besides her can.

I take this opportunity to tell all my readers, to thank your parents for whatever they do for you. Even if it means getting a book from the shelf or giving birth to you. Take the chance and say thank you. I did not get a chance, but you have. Don’t waste it. Take every moment of your time to thank them and tell them that you love them for whatever they do. Whether they be angry or sad.

 

Please feel free to leave comments or mail me at: manasvi_05@yahoo.in

 

My love, My life, My mom.

This is a poem written in the memory of a greatly loved person, a fantastic wife, a lovely daughter, a lovely mother and a bubbly friend. She was someone to whom every one looked up to and respected her advice and ideas, a person who is missed greatly and the one has imprinted several things and taught so much just through her actions. This is one poem written by me for a mother who was more of a friend and understood me more than anyone ever can. She treated me just like another friend and always had respect for my ideas and never once, let me down. Feeling proud, Today, I can say, I had a mother who was completely fantastic and I love her more than anyone can. I am proud of her and just want to let her know that she was an idol for people who have given up hopes. I love you, Mom.

Why did you have to go, mom?
Why did you have to die?
Why did you leave me behind,
With nothing to do but cry?

I miss you terribly,
I can’t believe you are gone…
I can’t believe this happened
I don’t know how life will go on…

Those times we had together
Keep coming back to me
Those shopping sprees, eat-outs
And all movies we went to see..

I miss all our talks and walks
And I miss the love you showed
I miss the amazing guidance
And all the stories told…

I miss every time I wrote a poem
And showed it to you,
I remember how proud you were
And you told me so.

I remember the pains you took,
To make sure I was ok.
No one can ever again
Love me in the same way

You were the best
You had a heart of god
And what hurts me now
Are the things left untold.

My love for you,
Will never go away,
In fact it will grow intense each day

I hope somewhere
Wherever you maybe
And you can hear me now
And read this poem and see

This poem doesn’t do you any justice
Nothing ever will
But do you wonder,
Why am I writing still?

I wrote to tell you,
That I know how you loved the sight
I wrote to tell you
That I will continue to love you

I will continue to make you proud
I will continue to shine
I will always remember…
Your heart rests with mine!

I love you.

 

 

feel free to comment and you can contact me at: manasvi_05@yahoo.in

A little more about my past.

Today, I would like to add a little more about my past life. My past life is tragic-filled though fun-filled.

I remember all those times when mom and I went out shopping for something and ended up bringing so much back! The shopping sprees and all the walk keep coming back to me… and making me cry, but there is nothing that i can do. Nothing that can be done. I must have written a thousand letters and e-mails to her, but what would be the use? She is not going to check them nor is she going to reply. I still write, I still try, I still keep waiting for just a reply, I want to know she is there when I need her the most. I don’t know what has happened, but a part of me is missing. There are no words that can comfort this pain, but can only make sure that there is someone to share the grief with.

All the pain and tears, now I know what I am without her. I miss her greatly and continuously pray to God, for just a miracle. No one can take the place, nor in my fathers heart nor in my brothers and not even in mine. Maybe that is what God wanted. Maybe she was not strong enough to fight anymore. Maybe her golden heart was broken, maybe she coudn’t keep up anymore, just maybe she wanted to go.

I ain’t going to stay sad for the fact that she has gone, but I am glad she was my mother. I am glad I had all the opportunities to spend the most of the time I could. I just wish I loved her enough and told her everything I should have. I just hope I have been a good daughter.

Now, she is gone. That day is one of those days which I can never forget.

November’ 12′ 2011.

She lay in the bed, with her face pale looking up at the fan. I hold onto her hand and tears ran down my face. She looked at me and said in a soft voice, ” I love you more than anything my baby. Promise me you will take care of everyone.” As she spoke the last words, I knew I would never hear them again. Tears ran down uncontrollably and the pain increased, I could take it no longer. I screamed out. I screamed out as loud as I could. I wanted promise her every one’s health. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, and would forever. I sat on my knees, still holding her hand in mine, still crying the painful tears, still not able to believe she was gone. I knew she was no more, but I couldn’t believe it more or less, I din’t want to.

The woman who had taught me walk, talk and speak was gone. The one who love me through whatever I did, through the day and night, through the bad times and good was gone. The one who taught me to cross the road and to choose the correct path and what to do and what now. The one who took care of me for 9 months in her stomach, and another 14 after that, was gone.       I din’t know how to react to it. All I wanted to do was sit and cry and cry. Just holding her and promising myself that she was only asleep for a while. I wanted to do everything I could for her, but God took away the opportunity.

I sat there until they came in to pick her up. They named her as a “Dead body”. She’s no dead body is what I wanted to scream, but couldn’t find the voice to. All that was so hard to sallow in. Everyone was crying, I hugged my Dad and Brother as tightly as possible and we grieved together, for the loss of such a beautiful person, of such an understanding mother and such a perfect wife. There was nothing in the world that could comfort us. Nothing by her herself.

The hardest part came at the ceremation ground. People stood in white and she lay there with her eyes shut. I was still crying but now, the only difference was that I was crying inside, no tears would come out. My knees felt wobbly as I stood there besides my father and brother, with my dads arm around me. I wanted to run away from there. I wanted to go away, away to someplace where there was no one to ask me questions and show pity.

The moment came when she had to go. I was asked to set fire to the woods that she was lying on. I hadn’t in all my lfie dreamed of such a day where I would be the one setting fire to my own Mothers body. I could not believe it. I wanted to go away or rather run away from the truth, from the pain that no one would understand.

I looked into my fathers eyes and saw that love he had for her. He nodded his head as the Person asked me to do the rituals. It felt like the world was ending. Everything spun and I felt absolutely nothing. NOTHING except the pain which was unbearable. I did as guided and when the moment came… I felt numb.

When I finally stood back, I felt a part of me burning away. I wanted to run away. Away from all that pain and uncomfortable looks and with the amount of pity which they looked at us.  I hung my head down, not with shame, but with respect to the person who was now going up in  to rest in peace, leaving her loved one’s behind.

I never felt this way before, the way she loved me, the way she supported me and made me feel like a young girl who was independent and is free to choose her own way, the one who can do anything she wants!

I love her and will forever. I still miss her every time someone speaks about their mothers and death. But I guess that is the way it is. I am now use to it. I manage to hold back tears and put up a broad smile and move on. This is not something all can do, it is one’s own choice. If you want to move on, you can, but once you decide that you do not want to, you never will. You make a choice, make a decision and abide by it.

Well, it is making me cry now. But anyways, that’s really it for now. Please let me know what your think are through either comments or feel free to mail me at: manasvi_05@yahoo.in

Me and My life.

My name is Manasvi as you have seen; and yes, I am Indian. I live in the well known city at the moment – Mumbai. Having the experience of only 15 years on earth, i guess i know a few very bad things that can happen to one in their lives. Well, i have been through many and would like to share it out with you. You will know me well as i keep writing and you keep reading my blogs.

It was a bright sunny day, with the breeze gently blowing my hair back, I crossed the road to enter the big, strong, black gate of my school. I tried to keep my breath even, but it just refused to, as I walked into the school I saw my friends standing there among a hundred other students with their backpacks and cell phones in hand. I was nervous for the day as it is because of the English presentation that was suppose to begin on that day.

We went up to the class and the day began with the normal lectures. The moment my phone buzzed in my pocket I knew it was Dad from Singapore. I couldn’t pick it up but i wanted to know the results. I excused my self to the washroom and half-ran towards it. As soon as i was inside, I picked the buzzing phone to hear my Dad sobbing on the other end. I knew what was coming. I knew it. I felt numb and couldn’t speak. I din’t know how to react to it, It felt like the world had stopped spinning and had paused. I wanted to stop  the time passing by. I knew the killer was in her now. I din’t want to believe it, but I had to. Tears ran down my face uncontrollably, I couldn’t speak or react. After a while i gathered my self and wiped the tears and walked back to the class slowly. The presentation was just as bad as it could go. I told myself to calm down and time and again a tear ran down my face and I quickly hid it.

The pain was extereme and could no longer stay in. I din’t  know what else was left to happen. Everything around me was normal and all of a sudden I felt dead. No feelings, No pain, No emotions, No control… Just the pain. The pain of the thought of losing my mother. The pain that had crept in my heart by now of tomorrow. The pain wouldn’t go, not for a second. My best friend comforted me as we hugged and cried and cried. I din’t know how to react to it, I hadn’t even thought this was what was coming.

Once back home, I sat in one corner, face in my hands in between my knees and sobbed and sobbed till no more tears would come out. I felt hurt more than anything. It was such a feeling that would just never go, or so I felt at that time. I knew she wasn’t going to live for long, I knew she would be gone in just a few days…or at least a month.

I sat in that corner for a few hours and till my brother came home. I had cried my self to sleep, and woke up on when the door opened. Tears took their place and the big lump took its place in my throat again as he came and hugged me and we both cried holding each other. Nor he or I could believe this was actually happening. I wanted to cry to death, wanted to just die more than anything. The pain in my heart is something that I still cannot forget. The pain, the hurt just went on and on for like.. ages. In the end, no tears came would come out. I had lost almost 7 kgs in less than a month. I needed my mother to be there for me always, and always will need her. That was the time when I realized how much i would need her and how much I love her.

That was the day when i got to know that my mom wasn’t going to survive for more than a month. The cancer had already spread all over and the doctors did not guarantee even a month. That was one moment of my life that I will not forget, no matter what.

I tried so hard to get my self to my normal self, but unfortunately, failed to. This is for all the people who are reading this: Treasure each and every moment of your life that you have spent with your friends and family, you never know what tomorrow would bring for you…

That is all i have to say for my first blog. I have started blogging to share my feelings and story. I feel this is one way i can let my self out of all that pain I am in. I wish and Pray for all those going through the same just now.

Thank you for taking interest in my blog and reading this. It is really appreciated. You are free to e-mail me at: manasvi_05@yahoo.in or leave me a comment on what you think.